Tag Archives: satire

Proper concert etiquette

As someone who is obsessed with music, there’s nothing I enjoy more than a good concert. I spend a good deal of my hard-earned dollars on concert tickets every year, so I want to make sure I get the most of my money’s worth when I go. Sometimes you can’t account for certain things, like whether a band is just going to be absolutely terrible live (there are truly some artists who simply can’t produce what can be considered music without the help of auto-tune), but as you take into consideration your fellow concert-goers, here are a few simple rules of concert etiquette to remember to make sure the show is enjoyable for all.

Smoke. There’s nothing people love more than the overwhelming smell of smoke while they’re trying to jam out with their favorite band. This is especially appreciated when you’re at an indoor venue, or if you exhale directly into the face of the person next to/behind you.

Don’t use manners. What’s the point in saying “excuse me”? If you’re trying to get by someone, just be obnoxious and inconsiderate about it. Extra points if you push and shove your way through when there is clearly no room for you. Besides, who wants to be polite, anyway?

Have a regular conversation with your friends at loud volumes. This is social hour, after all, right? It’s not like the people standing near you paid money to hear the music. I’m sure they would much rather listen to you talk about what an ass your ex was and how ugly his new girlfriend is.

Be “that drunk guy.” You know the one I’m talking about. The one that gets completely shitfaced and mean, and pisses off everyone around him because he’s ruining the show. Yeah, be that guy.

 

Hit the Rise Against concert two nights ago; awesome performance by the band, less-than-awesome audience interaction, mainly thanks to the guy in front of me blowing smoke all night.

Hit the Rise Against concert two nights ago; awesome performance by the band, less-than-awesome audience interaction, mainly thanks to the guy in front of me blowing smoke all night. Oh sorry, am I bitter much?

If you do any of these things at a show, you’re a huge wanker and you probably deserve to get punched in the face. Which I’m sure you will by the end of the night.

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5 things to give thanks for this Thanksgiving

There are so many things in this world to be thankful for this Thanksgiving that it can get a little overwhelming narrowing it down to just one or two. If you haven’t quite decided yet what you’re going to give thanks for this holiday season, here are a few extra special options to bring to your dinner table.

Netflix. Forget live TV. Say goodbye to endless ads and missing your favorite shows because of scheduling conflicts. Now, for one low monthly price, you can have access to just about any show or movie you want at the touch of a button. Besides, the other way is too old-fashioned. Obviously.

GPS. I’m not sure how anyone got from point A to point B before the invention of the GPS; I sure don’t know how I managed. Who remembers how to read a map, anyway?

Credit cards. Ah, plastic money. The solution to anyone’s financial problems. Clearly. Just swipe one of these bad boys and you can have anything you want. It’s just like magic.

Fast food. In this day and age, ain’t no body got time to wait around for a home-cooked meal anymore. Although some of these fast food restaurants can hardly call themselves “fast.” I mean, having to wait in my car for a minute and a half for my food?! Really, people. If you can’t get it to me in under a minute, I don’t want it.

Michael Kors. I don’t pretend to understand the current obsession is with MK lately (and by lately I mean over the past year or two), but it’s definitely prevalent in today’s society, and so seems worth noting when it comes to this list. I don’t get it, but whatevs. Majority rules, I guess.

There are many more, but these are just a few to get you started.

 

And if any of you actually give thanks for any of these things this year (or any year, for that matter), I will personally hunt you down, drag you kicking and screaming across the globe to a third-world country and publicly flog you while everyone looks on in sheer wonderment. Or something like that.

Oh yeah, Happy Thanksgiving!

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How to be a bad driver

With all the cars on the road these days, it seems like not enough of them are bad drivers. If 4 out of 5 people are shitty drivers, well, that’s just not enough. As a society, we should really strive for a full 5 out of 5.

So to ensure we achieve that end goal, here are some tips to being a bad driver.

Never use your blinker. It serves no real purpose and is actually a distraction to other drivers if you do use it. Honestly, I’m not really even sure why cars come equipped with them in the first place. Stupid, really.

Always tailgate. Make sure to get as close as possible to the car in front of you to ensure a collision should they brake unexpectedly.

Use your cell phone as much as possible. Don’t bother with hands-free driving, just make sure when you take a call you pay no attention to other drivers, road signs, stop lights, bicyclists, pedestrians, etc.

Speed. Driving is really about getting from point A to point B, right? So why shouldn’t you get there as fast as possible? It’s simple logic. Speed limits are really just a suggestion, anyway.

Weave in and out of traffic. If other drivers are getting in your way, get around them by any means necessary, preferably at top speeds and close distances.

Have absolutely no regard for any other driver on the road. You are, after all, more important than everyone else on the road with you, so why should you have to give them a second thought? They’re just being selfish.

Stick to these simple tricks and you’re sure to piss off every driver on the road with you. And if all else fails, just drive directly into oncoming traffic and hope for a multi-car pileup.

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4 steps to becoming a terrible parent

With my second year as a camp counselor at an end, and my first year as a school teacher (hopefully) about to begin, it seems only appropriate that I reflect on the difficult job that is: being a parent.

Not a parent yet myself, I can only imagine what it must be like to constantly endure the beautiful little pains-in-the-ass that are children. Now first of all, don’t get me wrong, I LOVE children, el oh vee ee love them. But they can be difficult and trying and no matter how you raise them will probably always try and test your nerves sometimes. But you can give yourself (and those who will become their nannies and babysitters and educators) a fighting chance by raising them right and being a good parent and at least trying to make sure they grow up to be a positive addition to society. But in case you’d rather screw them up, guarantee them a hard life and generally piss off anyone and everyone they come into contact with from here on out, here are 4 steps to becoming a terrible parent.

1. Perform lawn care with your children at a dangerous distance. With all the recent “accidents” involving lawn mowers and young children, it’s no surprise that this is number one on my list. To ensure you screw your child for the rest of their lives, run them over repeatedly with a lawn mower, weed wacker, hedge trimmer, etc. and then blame the tragedy on the manufacturers. Don’t forget to insist on stricter manufacturing regulations and sue for unsafe machine conditions. You will most likely lose and spend the rest of your life embarrassed by your amputee child.

2. Ignore your children at every available moment. This is especially effective when out in public and your child is screaming at the top of their lungs. This will also make them feel unwanted and worthless and will probably cause them to grow up unable to love and feel compassion for others, at which point they will probably wind up with twelve kids and no regard for anyone’s feelings but their own.

3. Teach them bad manners. Make sure it’s things like slamming doors in people’s faces, saying mean things to others, being selfish and generally disregarding anything and everything that does not affect them directly.

4. Tell them you don’t love them. Make sure you emphasize that they were a mistake and how you wish they were never born.

If all else fails, drop them off at the nearest orphanage and never look back.ugly children

In all seriousness though (I know, who ever thought I could be serious, right?), I’m grateful for the opportunities I’ve had to work with kids. I’ve had some amazing campers in my class over the years, I’m blessed to nanny for the two coolest little people I know, and I’m so looking forward to beginning my career as an educator. I can’t wait to be a parent someday and do my best to raise my kids well, the way my parents raised me (most days), and in the meantime, I hope to make a difference in the lives of those unfortunate kids whose parents’ influence has contributed to this satirical list. And as for the ones who were raised right and still turned out to be horrible people, well, they’re just little shits, and there ain’t nothing to be done about that. Except maybe flip ’em off. Or feed them to hungry sharks. We’ll see.

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