Tag Archives: sarcasm

Proper concert etiquette

As someone who is obsessed with music, there’s nothing I enjoy more than a good concert. I spend a good deal of my hard-earned dollars on concert tickets every year, so I want to make sure I get the most of my money’s worth when I go. Sometimes you can’t account for certain things, like whether a band is just going to be absolutely terrible live (there are truly some artists who simply can’t produce what can be considered music without the help of auto-tune), but as you take into consideration your fellow concert-goers, here are a few simple rules of concert etiquette to remember to make sure the show is enjoyable for all.

Smoke. There’s nothing people love more than the overwhelming smell of smoke while they’re trying to jam out with their favorite band. This is especially appreciated when you’re at an indoor venue, or if you exhale directly into the face of the person next to/behind you.

Don’t use manners. What’s the point in saying “excuse me”? If you’re trying to get by someone, just be obnoxious and inconsiderate about it. Extra points if you push and shove your way through when there is clearly no room for you. Besides, who wants to be polite, anyway?

Have a regular conversation with your friends at loud volumes. This is social hour, after all, right? It’s not like the people standing near you paid money to hear the music. I’m sure they would much rather listen to you talk about what an ass your ex was and how ugly his new girlfriend is.

Be “that drunk guy.” You know the one I’m talking about. The one that gets completely shitfaced and mean, and pisses off everyone around him because he’s ruining the show. Yeah, be that guy.

 

Hit the Rise Against concert two nights ago; awesome performance by the band, less-than-awesome audience interaction, mainly thanks to the guy in front of me blowing smoke all night.

Hit the Rise Against concert two nights ago; awesome performance by the band, less-than-awesome audience interaction, mainly thanks to the guy in front of me blowing smoke all night. Oh sorry, am I bitter much?

If you do any of these things at a show, you’re a huge wanker and you probably deserve to get punched in the face. Which I’m sure you will by the end of the night.

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How to move efficiently

We all do it. Some more than others. It’s exciting and scary and fun and annoying, all at the same time. Sometimes we move around the world (wish I could do that again), across the country (once was enough thanks) or down the street (that’s more like it). Either way, I’m finding the more I move, the more crap I’ve accumulated (despite my attempts to downsize at every possible opportunity- seriously, where did I get so much junk from? Oh, I have a shopping addiction? Shut up). So to make the move more efficient, here are some tips to, er, make moving more…efficient (good word choice there, Julia, way to change it up. Fail).

Throw everything in the trash. This includes clothes, electronics, pets, all of it. Just throw it all into the garbage and you won’t have to pack or transport any of it. Or have a bonfire with all your things and roast some marshmallows instead, I don’t really give a shit.

Totally should have used this method for Felix. Would have been so much quieter during transport.

Totally should have used this method for Felix. Would have been so much quieter during transport.

Wait ’til moving day to pack. Whatever is left after you’ve thrown everything else out can wait to actually be boxed up and prepared to go in the truck, car, van, etc., until the day of. No one will mind waiting while you put all your shit in boxes.

Pack the toilet paper somewhere inaccessible. It’s not like that will be the first thing you need when you get to the new place.

Throw a fit when things go wrong. It’s especially helpful when trying to move to make things as difficult as possible for yourself and everyone around you, especially if they volunteered their weekend to help YOU move. Drag your feet a lot, pout and complain at every available opportunity, and if something goes awry (let’s say, it downpours and your mattress gets soaked), let it ruin the rest of your day. There’s no point in being in a good mood whatsoever, because moving isn’t supposed to be fun, anyway, so don’t ruin things by trying to be positive or having a good outlook or some shit like that.

Avoid unpacking as long as possible. There is nothing more homey than a house full of boxes. Not to mention how appealing your new place will be when you have guests over (don’t worry, you’ll definitely make them jealous).

 

If you take any of this seriously, you’re an idiot. But then again, you’re reading this blog so there’s already something wrong with you.

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12 last-minute Christmas gift ideas (that are sure to “wow” them)

Over the years, I’ve written some cynical posts about Christmas trees and wish lists that would never be granted. But amongst all my nonsensical ramblings, I’ve yet to write anything on the topic of Christmas and gift buying, never once touching on the types of gifts that should be under everyone’s tree (or pants- more about that later). So for those of you last-minute shoppers (we in the literary world like to call you “procrastinators”) who haven’t yet decided what to deck your friends’ halls with, here are 12 last-minute gift ideas that are sure to wow them. And give Santa a heart attack.

12.) Bankruptcy. Whether you get it for yourself or for someone else, it’s a gift that’s sure to last for years to come.

11.) A flea infestation. If you get this for me, I will have to kill you. And regift it (preferably back to you). Been there, done that.

10.) A gym membership. Nothing says “I love you” and “Merry Christmas” more than telling someone they’re fat and out of shape.

9.) Identity theft. Perfect way to ring in the new year. 

8.) Broken bones. Hit them with a baseball bat, run them over with your car, whatever gets the job done.

7.) Front row seats to a Justin Bieber concert. This present is especially perfect for anyone over the age of 18 who actually has good taste in music.

6.) Diarrhea. Just squirt some eye drops into their eggnog. Or feed them McDonald’s.

5.) Jail time. Accomplice to murder, co-conspirator to a coup d’etat, grand theft auto. The choices are endless.

4.) A divorce. Because who doesn’t love getting their heart ripped out on Christmas?

3.) Fruit cake. No comment necessary.

2.) A hooker. But only if the recipient is a woman. Clearly what every woman wants for the holidays.

And a herpes new year.

MERRY-CHRISTMAS-YA-FILTHY-ANIMAL

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5 things to give thanks for this Thanksgiving

There are so many things in this world to be thankful for this Thanksgiving that it can get a little overwhelming narrowing it down to just one or two. If you haven’t quite decided yet what you’re going to give thanks for this holiday season, here are a few extra special options to bring to your dinner table.

Netflix. Forget live TV. Say goodbye to endless ads and missing your favorite shows because of scheduling conflicts. Now, for one low monthly price, you can have access to just about any show or movie you want at the touch of a button. Besides, the other way is too old-fashioned. Obviously.

GPS. I’m not sure how anyone got from point A to point B before the invention of the GPS; I sure don’t know how I managed. Who remembers how to read a map, anyway?

Credit cards. Ah, plastic money. The solution to anyone’s financial problems. Clearly. Just swipe one of these bad boys and you can have anything you want. It’s just like magic.

Fast food. In this day and age, ain’t no body got time to wait around for a home-cooked meal anymore. Although some of these fast food restaurants can hardly call themselves “fast.” I mean, having to wait in my car for a minute and a half for my food?! Really, people. If you can’t get it to me in under a minute, I don’t want it.

Michael Kors. I don’t pretend to understand the current obsession is with MK lately (and by lately I mean over the past year or two), but it’s definitely prevalent in today’s society, and so seems worth noting when it comes to this list. I don’t get it, but whatevs. Majority rules, I guess.

There are many more, but these are just a few to get you started.

 

And if any of you actually give thanks for any of these things this year (or any year, for that matter), I will personally hunt you down, drag you kicking and screaming across the globe to a third-world country and publicly flog you while everyone looks on in sheer wonderment. Or something like that.

Oh yeah, Happy Thanksgiving!

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How to be a bad driver

With all the cars on the road these days, it seems like not enough of them are bad drivers. If 4 out of 5 people are shitty drivers, well, that’s just not enough. As a society, we should really strive for a full 5 out of 5.

So to ensure we achieve that end goal, here are some tips to being a bad driver.

Never use your blinker. It serves no real purpose and is actually a distraction to other drivers if you do use it. Honestly, I’m not really even sure why cars come equipped with them in the first place. Stupid, really.

Always tailgate. Make sure to get as close as possible to the car in front of you to ensure a collision should they brake unexpectedly.

Use your cell phone as much as possible. Don’t bother with hands-free driving, just make sure when you take a call you pay no attention to other drivers, road signs, stop lights, bicyclists, pedestrians, etc.

Speed. Driving is really about getting from point A to point B, right? So why shouldn’t you get there as fast as possible? It’s simple logic. Speed limits are really just a suggestion, anyway.

Weave in and out of traffic. If other drivers are getting in your way, get around them by any means necessary, preferably at top speeds and close distances.

Have absolutely no regard for any other driver on the road. You are, after all, more important than everyone else on the road with you, so why should you have to give them a second thought? They’re just being selfish.

Stick to these simple tricks and you’re sure to piss off every driver on the road with you. And if all else fails, just drive directly into oncoming traffic and hope for a multi-car pileup.

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