Tag Archives: annoying

How to be annoying at the beach

Most people tend to be annoying in public without realizing it. Some people do it on purpose just to be a pain in the ass. For the most part, I don’t usually give a tiny rat’s ass because I in turn don’t care what people think of me in public (although I am certainly a lot less annoying and more entertaining than most people, but that’s beside the point). More than anything, though, I can’t stand it when the people behaving annoyingly get in the way of whatever I’m trying to do. Since I live in the Sunshine State (and my house is about 5 minutes from the ocean), I spend a great deal of time at the beach. Shocker, I know. Whether I’m there with friends or just hanging by myself, I don’t typically appreciate annoying beachgoers. But, alas, they seem to flock to the sandy shores that I frequent, and more than any other public place, there always seems to be at least one or two or ten people at the beach just ready and waiting to bug the shit out of me. If you happen to be one of them, here are some tips to make sure you get the job done right.

Sit directly next to/in front of the only other person on the entire stretch of beach. This is especially appreciated if you are a giant fat man who smells and decides to bring a huge bucket of fried chicken with him to chow down on.

Play crappy music loud enough for everyone to hear. Rap or Redneck country will do just fine. Or Justin Bieber.

Feed the seagulls. Extra points if you get the birds to crap on everyone around you.

Allow your children to scream continuously at loud volumes. If you’re not ignoring them completely and are instead trying to console them, you’re doing it wrong.

Shake your towel out upwind of anyone. Make sure it’s especially covered in sand.

Play sports very close to anyone trying to relax. One of my personal favorites. Choose something involving kicking, throwing or hitting a ball of some sort and be sure you “accidentally” drop/throw/kick the thing directly at/onto those around you.

If all else fails, just run up to random strangers and punch them directly in the face. That ought to do the trick.

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Can’t sleep? Write a blog post

It’s surprising how many good ideas come to me in the middle of the night, while I’m laying in bed trying to fall back asleep after waking up to use the bathroom or get a drink or be an insomniac. Usually I resist the temptation to get out of bed and write it down somewhere, for fear of throwing off the potential of falling back into a deep slumber, but there comes a point when it’s no longer logical to lay in the dark, wide-eyed, with no hope of ever feeling tired again, ignoring all the exceptionally creative ideas flooding my brain. Since I rarely have good ideas, and I’m only becoming more and more awake (and strangely, very hungry), I decided tonight is one of those nights I’ll actually pull myself from the covers and pursue my latest idea.

When I Googled "can't sleep" this is what came up. Yup, that about sums it up.

First off, let me say how super annoying it is to wake up in the middle of the night for no reason. Sure, I had to go to the bathroom and I was basically dying of thirst until about 20 minutes ago, but neither one of those things truly warranted my being startled awake into excruciating restlessness. Those things could have waited until morning just like every other night. But no. Instead I get to lay here in the dark listening to the voice inside my head talking about how annoying it is I can’t fall back asleep. Is it because I didn’t drink enough before I went to sleep, and now my body is dying without hydration to the point of shocking me to life again? Is it because I didn’t turn the air down before I went to bed and now my profuse sweating has interrupted my beauty sleep? Is it because I’m subconsciously thinking about all the things I want to do tomorrow? I could go on with a list of a hundred and one reasons why I’m awake right now, but all of them suck, because all of them mean I’m not asleep right now.

Of course, now that I’m sitting here in the dark, staring at my laptop’s annoyingly bright screen, I feel my eyes becoming heavy with sleep again and my brain shutting down.

But no, I refuse to give in after making such a big to-do about actually “waking” up to write this blog post. I wouldn’t want to start something I couldn’t finish. Besides, who really needs to sleep, anyway?

So now, on to my new post.

 

Wait, what was my idea again?

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Filed under Entertainment, Humor