The cockroaches are out to get me

I cannot understand cockroaches’ obsession with me. Twice now since living in Florida I’ve had cockroaches crawling on me in bed. I understand these “palmetto bugs” (aka COCKROACHES) are basically the state bug of Florida, so they’re everywhere, regardless of how clean a place may be, but that doesn’t mean I want them setting up camp in my hair and my pant leg while I’m trying to sleep. Or almost crawling in my mouth (BARF).

The first time there horrific bugs attacked me was a few years ago, when I was living with my dad. I was laying in bed, almost completely asleep when I felt what I believed to be a “phantom bug” (you know, when you get that creepy crawly feeling but there’s nothing actually there) on my hair line. So of course, I brushed it away nonchalantly. Then I felt it again, right by my slightly-open mouth. I swatted at the area, and heard a dull thud as whatever it was hit the wall. I assumed it was a spider (because that’s normal), and that it would be smart enough not to come back. After laying there for a few more seconds, I decided to make sure it was either dead or nowhere around me, so I used my phone to shine a light on the wall where it had hit. Sure enough, there was nothing there. Good, smart spider got lost.


A moment later I felt something crawling up my pant leg. I jumped out of bed, flung off the covers, flipped on the lights and screamed: there, crawling around in my bed was a huge cockroach. All the screaming woke my dad, who came running in and flushed it down the toilet for me, but I still couldn’t get back to sleep with the thought of almost swallowing the damn thing still fresh in my mind.

Not even a year after moving out of my dad’s into my first apartment did the terrorizing begin again, this time by a giant winged roach. For almost two weeks, this flying demon taunted me, coming at me out of the ceiling vent when I least expected. When I finally Lysoled it to death (victory is mine!) my joy was short lived, as an even bigger flying beast took its place. I never did kill that one.

And now, it seems they are back for me, the bastards. While falling asleep last night, I felt that phantom itch again, on my face. I brushed it away, but felt it again in my hair; this was definitely a real bug. I turned on the light and sure enough, there was a cockroach crawling around on my pillow. I screamed (my neighbors probably think I was stabbed) and threw a shoe at it, but those fuckers are relentless, so I proceeded to smash it several more times with the shoe before finally killing it.

This one even went so far as to clog my toilet though (I panicked and flushed the huge wad of paper towels I squished him with down the toilet; definitely not a smart decision). I guess grossing me out wasn’t enough, he had to go and flood my bathroom with pee water (because, naturally, I forgot the toilet was still clogged- since I don’t own a plunger- when I woke up this morning and used it just like I do any other morning, and instead of going down, the water just kept coming up, up, up..).

I’d like to think I’ve met my disgusting bug attack quota for my lifetime, but something tells me this isn’t the last I’ll see of these horrible cretins.



Filed under Entertainment, Humor

2 responses to “The cockroaches are out to get me

  1. OK, I am totally grossed out!

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