I used to think everyone pooped once a day, about the same time every day, and that was normal, how it should be. But now I’m starting to re-think everything, because either everyone else is pooping way more than I originally thought, or there’s something wrong with me. Because I definitely poop more than once a day. And I’m getting tired of it.
Pooping, or ‘excreting waste’ for all you prim and proper people out there, is a natural bodily function, one necessary to sustain life (because I don’t know about you, but I don’t really want to explode and die because my poop backs up into all my other organs…or something like that). It’s a daily occurrence that happens to everyone, so I find it somewhat hilarious when people make a big deal about it or get super grossed out. I’m not saying you should go around announcing every time you’ve pooped (and I’m certainly not endorsing you writing about your experiences on your blog or anything…), because people don’t really need to know that kind of personal (wow, I just typed persoanal, haha get it? ugh) information about others, but there’s really no need to get all huffy and disgusted about the idea of someone else pooping, because, HELLO, you do it everyday, you hypocrite.
What I don’t understand is why I poop so frequently. I’ve noticed certain foods make me especially gassy and have the urge to use the toilet more than is necessary, but I’ve also noticed that even when I’m not eating anything out of the ordinary, I will still get that feeling (super annoying when you’re just trying to go about your day like any other). It’s not like I have a horrible diet and am just surviving off of super over-processed fast food and sugary beverages (okay, I like to indulge in a Coke every now and then, but that hardly counts). I don’t drink coffee and, unless I’m drinking the aforementioned Coke or the very rare Red Bull, I don’t drink caffeine, so why all this extra urge for turds? I tend to eat similar food on a weekly basis, so my body should be pretty used to the (mostly) nutritious food I’m so graciously providing it. Which just makes me conclude: I poop too much.
I swear, I have the bowels of an 80-year-old man. Babies don’t even poop this much.
I’m sure most of you are by now wondering “what is wrong with this lady? why is she writing a public blog post about her poop? does she have mental issues?” The answer would be yes, I do, but then again, no one is forcing you to read my weird works of nonfiction, so maybe you are the one with mental issues. If it bothers you that much, you should probably avoid my blog, because it will most likely only get weirder. But please don’t, because then I wouldn’t have any readers.