Where’s the app for that?

I wish there was a way to control what your dreams were about each night. Because I’m sick of having all these scary, overwhelming dreams all the time. And not scary in the traditional sense (because everyone knows how obsessed I am with horror, so I wouldn’t mind those types of dreams), I’m talking about the kind of dreams that make you wake up confused, wondering if something has gone awry in your life that you just didn’t recall until this very moment. I’ve had crappy stuff go down in dreams only to wake up thinking it was real, with that gut-wrenching feeling in the pit of my stomach because something shitty just happened that I wish hadn’t. Then I remember it only happened in my dream, not in real life, but the uneasy feeling lingers, making me feel miserable and depressed for the rest of my life. Well, at least for the rest of the morning. And I know they say your dreams are linked to your subconscious, so whatever you’re dreaming about must have been on your mind to begin with. But I disagree, because I dream about situations and people that I couldn’t give two shits about anymore all the time (which is really quite annoying, because then I’m just reminded of them when I had forgotten them in the first place. So thanks for that, subconscious. You suck.). So they are wrong (whoever “they” are).

This is the part where I could lapse into some convoluted ramble about dreams and why we dream about what we dream about and get into that whole overwhelming debate about “what it all means” and what’s the bigger picture, but I’m not going to. Because I don’t care (well, mostly I just don’t have the energy to write about such abstract ideas because I just woke up from a shitty dream and my brain is busy trying to get over it). And besides, that isn’t what this post is about, anyway. It’s about the brilliant idea I had about how to control our dreams.

Someone should create an app for it. There, that was my big idea. Thanks for reading. Bye.

No, but really, I wish there was a machine, or more preferably, an app that allowed you to control what you dreamt about each night. It would be fairly simple, actually. All you would do is input the information the dream requires to exist, such as setting, characters, plot; much like writing your own short story, only you could change and rewrite it every single night for the rest of you life, if that’s what you wanted. Only the data entered into the machine would be allowed into the dream, so you’re guaranteeing no shitty thoughts seep through. The app would then plug directly into your brain’s central command center (I’m thinking we get some WiFi happening there, and hook it up wirelessly, because it would probably hurt a little bit otherwise), and your brain would receive directions from the app on how to construct the perfect dream (at least the perfect dream for you, everyone’s will be different obvi). And that’s it, your brain would only create dreams that were designed specifically by you, easy peasy. And if for some reason you didn’t want to dream that night, you just set the app to its standby setting (because everything has a standby mode, why would this app be any different?) and your brain would allow a soft blanket of blackness to wash over you as you sleep, with no dreams to interfere with your perfect slumber.

So there. I’ve put the idea out there into the cyber-verse, now some tech geek please come along, steal my idea, develop it and send me the first prototype so I can start having more pleasant dreams. About rainbow dinosaurs. Living in a tropical paradise. Where it’s Halloween year round.

My app will crush this app. Although Apple will probably develop & sell my app for me. So I guess I'm competing with myself. Damnit.

My app will crush this app. Although Apple will probably develop & sell my app for me. So I guess I’m competing with myself. Damnit.

I’m also going to pretend I didn’t just Google “apps that make dreams better” only to find Apple already created a dream-controlling app. Mother fuckers. Mine will still be better. So you can suck on that, Apple. Oh wait, you’re probably going to be the ones who monopolize my buying audience, so I guess I should be nice. No, screw you for stealing my idea. I hate you. But really I love you. I’m going to go purchase this app right now. Let you guys know how it turns out.


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Filed under Entertainment, Humor, Ideas, Opinion

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