Over the years, I’ve written some cynical posts about Christmas trees and wish lists that would never be granted. But amongst all my nonsensical ramblings, I’ve yet to write anything on the topic of Christmas and gift buying, never once touching on the types of gifts that should be under everyone’s tree (or pants- more about that later). So for those of you last-minute shoppers (we in the literary world like to call you “procrastinators”) who haven’t yet decided what to deck your friends’ halls with, here are 12 last-minute gift ideas that are sure to wow them. And give Santa a heart attack.
12.) Bankruptcy. Whether you get it for yourself or for someone else, it’s a gift that’s sure to last for years to come.
11.) A flea infestation. If you get this for me, I will have to kill you. And regift it (preferably back to you). Been there, done that.
10.) A gym membership. Nothing says “I love you” and “Merry Christmas” more than telling someone they’re fat and out of shape.
9.) Identity theft. Perfect way to ring in the new year.
8.) Broken bones. Hit them with a baseball bat, run them over with your car, whatever gets the job done.
7.) Front row seats to a Justin Bieber concert. This present is especially perfect for anyone over the age of 18 who actually has good taste in music.
6.) Diarrhea. Just squirt some eye drops into their eggnog. Or feed them McDonald’s.
5.) Jail time. Accomplice to murder, co-conspirator to a coup d’etat, grand theft auto. The choices are endless.
4.) A divorce. Because who doesn’t love getting their heart ripped out on Christmas?
3.) Fruit cake. No comment necessary.
2.) A hooker. But only if the recipient is a woman. Clearly what every woman wants for the holidays.
And a herpes new year.