Monthly Archives: September 2013

How to be a bad driver

With all the cars on the road these days, it seems like not enough of them are bad drivers. If 4 out of 5 people are shitty drivers, well, that’s just not enough. As a society, we should really strive for a full 5 out of 5.

So to ensure we achieve that end goal, here are some tips to being a bad driver.

Never use your blinker. It serves no real purpose and is actually a distraction to other drivers if you do use it. Honestly, I’m not really even sure why cars come equipped with them in the first place. Stupid, really.

Always tailgate. Make sure to get as close as possible to the car in front of you to ensure a collision should they brake unexpectedly.

Use your cell phone as much as possible. Don’t bother with hands-free driving, just make sure when you take a call you pay no attention to other drivers, road signs, stop lights, bicyclists, pedestrians, etc.

Speed. Driving is really about getting from point A to point B, right? So why shouldn’t you get there as fast as possible? It’s simple logic. Speed limits are really just a suggestion, anyway.

Weave in and out of traffic. If other drivers are getting in your way, get around them by any means necessary, preferably at top speeds and close distances.

Have absolutely no regard for any other driver on the road. You are, after all, more important than everyone else on the road with you, so why should you have to give them a second thought? They’re just being selfish.

Stick to these simple tricks and you’re sure to piss off every driver on the road with you. And if all else fails, just drive directly into oncoming traffic and hope for a multi-car pileup.

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