With my second year as a camp counselor at an end, and my first year as a school teacher (hopefully) about to begin, it seems only appropriate that I reflect on the difficult job that is: being a parent.
Not a parent yet myself, I can only imagine what it must be like to constantly endure the beautiful little pains-in-the-ass that are children. Now first of all, don’t get me wrong, I LOVE children, el oh vee ee love them. But they can be difficult and trying and no matter how you raise them will probably always try and test your nerves sometimes. But you can give yourself (and those who will become their nannies and babysitters and educators) a fighting chance by raising them right and being a good parent and at least trying to make sure they grow up to be a positive addition to society. But in case you’d rather screw them up, guarantee them a hard life and generally piss off anyone and everyone they come into contact with from here on out, here are 4 steps to becoming a terrible parent.
1. Perform lawn care with your children at a dangerous distance. With all the recent “accidents” involving lawn mowers and young children, it’s no surprise that this is number one on my list. To ensure you screw your child for the rest of their lives, run them over repeatedly with a lawn mower, weed wacker, hedge trimmer, etc. and then blame the tragedy on the manufacturers. Don’t forget to insist on stricter manufacturing regulations and sue for unsafe machine conditions. You will most likely lose and spend the rest of your life embarrassed by your amputee child.
2. Ignore your children at every available moment. This is especially effective when out in public and your child is screaming at the top of their lungs. This will also make them feel unwanted and worthless and will probably cause them to grow up unable to love and feel compassion for others, at which point they will probably wind up with twelve kids and no regard for anyone’s feelings but their own.
3. Teach them bad manners. Make sure it’s things like slamming doors in people’s faces, saying mean things to others, being selfish and generally disregarding anything and everything that does not affect them directly.
4. Tell them you don’t love them. Make sure you emphasize that they were a mistake and how you wish they were never born.
In all seriousness though (I know, who ever thought I could be serious, right?), I’m grateful for the opportunities I’ve had to work with kids. I’ve had some amazing campers in my class over the years, I’m blessed to nanny for the two coolest little people I know, and I’m so looking forward to beginning my career as an educator. I can’t wait to be a parent someday and do my best to raise my kids well, the way my parents raised me (most days), and in the meantime, I hope to make a difference in the lives of those unfortunate kids whose parents’ influence has contributed to this satirical list. And as for the ones who were raised right and still turned out to be horrible people, well, they’re just little shits, and there ain’t nothing to be done about that. Except maybe flip ’em off. Or feed them to hungry sharks. We’ll see.