Monthly Archives: June 2013

How to be annoying at the beach

Most people tend to be annoying in public without realizing it. Some people do it on purpose just to be a pain in the ass. For the most part, I don’t usually give a tiny rat’s ass because I in turn don’t care what people think of me in public (although I am certainly a lot less annoying and more entertaining than most people, but that’s beside the point). More than anything, though, I can’t stand it when the people behaving annoyingly get in the way of whatever I’m trying to do. Since I live in the Sunshine State (and my house is about 5 minutes from the ocean), I spend a great deal of time at the beach. Shocker, I know. Whether I’m there with friends or just hanging by myself, I don’t typically appreciate annoying beachgoers. But, alas, they seem to flock to the sandy shores that I frequent, and more than any other public place, there always seems to be at least one or two or ten people at the beach just ready and waiting to bug the shit out of me. If you happen to be one of them, here are some tips to make sure you get the job done right.

Sit directly next to/in front of the only other person on the entire stretch of beach. This is especially appreciated if you are a giant fat man who smells and decides to bring a huge bucket of fried chicken with him to chow down on.

Play crappy music loud enough for everyone to hear. Rap or Redneck country will do just fine. Or Justin Bieber.

Feed the seagulls. Extra points if you get the birds to crap on everyone around you.

Allow your children to scream continuously at loud volumes. If you’re not ignoring them completely and are instead trying to console them, you’re doing it wrong.

Shake your towel out upwind of anyone. Make sure it’s especially covered in sand.

Play sports very close to anyone trying to relax. One of my personal favorites. Choose something involving kicking, throwing or hitting a ball of some sort and be sure you “accidentally” drop/throw/kick the thing directly at/onto those around you.

If all else fails, just run up to random strangers and punch them directly in the face. That ought to do the trick.

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