Monthly Archives: November 2012

5 improvements to airport traveling (that they should put into effect immediately)

I think I can speak for most people when I say that traveling is one of the most enjoyable pastimes there is. Unless you are a crabby, old hermit who hates human interaction and never leaves their dilapidated, hoarder-level, cave-of-a-home, you are a normal human being who likes to travel to new places and see and experience new things.

Thanks to a great semester abroad, in which I did absolutely no school work (really, it’s a joke those credits even counted at all), I’ve traveled all over Europe and a bit of Africa. I’ve been up and down the East Coast (for you non-Americans reading this-oh,  hey New Caledonia- that’s the east coast of the U.S.) and I’ve hit Mexico and several islands in the Caribbean, thanks to family vay-kays and cruises with my friends. Although I’ve never been to Canada, which is weird, because I grew up in the Northeast, but whatever. Besides the point.

But in all my traveling, I’ve never been impressed with airports or airlines and their level of hospitality. Overall, the luxury of flying versus driving/boating/biking/walking to a destination is pretty great in and of itself, so I should probably just end this post here and stop complaining. Not everyone has the opportunity to travel in the first place, right? But we all know that’s not going to happen, because I don’t know how to keep my big mouth shut. So, here are a few things they (whoever “they” are) should consider modifying when it comes to airport travel.

Could those pretzels be any tinier? I think there were about 5 in the bag.

Bigger portions/more food. Seriously, what is up with the portion size or altogether lack of food available on airplanes? I’m paying several hundred dollars to get a seat in what’s basically a glorified sardine can and you can’t even give me a proper bag of pretzels? I mean I guess it’s better than nothing, but giving me a miniature bag of what I can only assume is food made for elves and midgets is going to do nothing except elicit in me a deeper, more insatiable hunger. And if my flight is long enough, and you don’t give me a sandwich or something more than two peanuts, I may have to resort to quietly gnawing on your face.

Clocks. I know they are basically irrelevant since the invention of the cell phone, but that doesn’t mean public areas, like, you know, an airport, shouldn’t have a clock or two. Or three. I have never once seen a clock in any airport I’ve ever been in, and I’ve been in quite a variety of airports. Actually, no, I take that back. I think I saw one in Egypt, but that hardly counts. Their idea of customs is a large jumble of people milling around a single counter like cows waiting for dinner. No disrespect, I love Egypt. But their airports could use an upgrade. Just saying.

More efficient boarding procedures. I had a lovely chat with a man on a flight once who told me they used to board planes from the back to the front. Why they ever stopped doing that is beyond me. Probably to make first class passengers feel more special, but tough shit, you already get nicer seats and better in-flight service, so shut your mouth, you can wait an extra ten minutes to board so us coach passengers can get situated in the back first. It makes more sense anyway; if I was chilling up in first class, I wouldn’t want a bunch of lowly coach passengers pushing past me on their way to their seats, bumping me with their oversized luggage (which is always over regulation size limits), coughing right near my face and spreading god only knows what kind of germs (I swear, airplanes are incubators for disease, doesn’t matter how healthy I am before I board, as soon as my flight is over I’m retching and writhing with some illness they haven’t even named yet). In fact, there are about four people coughing on my flight at this exact moment as I’m typing. Basically hacking up a lung all over my keyboard. Thanks for that, asshole.

Free Wi-Fi. I understand everything costs money these days (unless you’re living in my utopian society where everything is free, in which case money is irrelevant), but it hardly seems fair that you can’t even get free internet when you travel. Most airports nowadays offer some form of free Wi-Fi (which usually means you’ll be operating on internet slower than dial-up), but don’t count on getting any free Wi-Fi once you’re on board and in the air. You’d think for how expensive travel is and how overpriced everything at the airport is, they’d at least let you surf the web for free. Pipe dreams.

Actual in-flight entertainment. It isn’t really up to the airline to entertain you during your flight. With all the gadgets out there to play with and hundreds of years worth of brilliant literature to read, it’s almost unnecessary to provide any additional in-flight entertainment. But if you’re going to put TVs on airplanes and provide in-flight entertainment, make sure it’s actually entertainment. Seriously, what happened to showing movies on planes? No one really wants to watch the TV shows they broadcast, and we certainly don’t care about the obscure and odd clips they show randomly in between episodes. If you’re going to provide televised entertainment, just make sure you do it right.

Now that I’ve sufficiently complained about my current airport experience and my flight has landed me back home, I think it’s time to book another flight for my next vacation.

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Filed under Entertainment, Humor, Opinion, Uncategorized

5 not-so-last-minute Halloween costumes (to get started on for next year)

With Halloween a day behind us (feels like a year to me), it’s time to start plotting for next year’s festivities. Because sometimes crafting the perfect Halloween costume isn’t always the easiest (or quickest) thing. Sometimes the logistics of pulling it off are just too difficult and/or time-consuming (like me trying to sew my own patchwork dress for my NBX Sally costume…the day I needed it). Sometimes it takes 364 days to create the ultimate of all ultimate costumes. And sometimes I just forget to write blog posts in time to make them relevant so I have to pretend it was intentional (because I’m not waiting another year to write this). Sorry if I have a life outside my blog and I didn’t get to this in time. J.K. I have no life.

Moving on.

It’s a rare thing to witness someone out and about during the weeks and days leading up to Halloween decked out in a seriously kick-ass costume, and it’s probably even rarer that you’re the one donning the unique garb, but with enough planning and plotting, it is possible to be that super-rad person on Halloween with the costume no one forgets and everyone wants a picture with. Here are my top 5. You can thank me later.

1. Hitler. When I picture someone dressing up as Hitler, I picture the little kid from Eurotrip. I don’t think anyone could be that adorable as Hitler if they tried, but it would be amusing to watch. Honestly, I just want to witness someone getting the crap kicked out of them by a bunch of Jews for dressing up as Hitler. Did I just say that? I’m going to hell. But you LOL’d, so you’re coming with.

2. Santa Claus. Because when have you ever seen Santa running around on Halloween? That’s what I thought.

3. Barbie (or Ken, depending on your sexual preference). This is especially easy if you’ve already molded and shaped yourself with so much plastic surgery that you’re practically unrecognizable as a human being anymore. All you need to do is throw on a blonde wig and you’re good to go.

4. A bag of Halloween candy. This idea is super awesome and super original. If done right, you may even win a few costume contests, and if you stage it correctly, everyone will love you for all the free candy you’ll be handing out all night. Just make sure you stop by my house first. I like Reese’s and Crunch bars.

5. A double rainbow. No explanation necessary. Please refer to the double rainbow song.

I would continue on with more Halloween costume ideas, but frankly, it’s bringing me down talking this much about Halloween after Halloween is over because there are still 364 days of not-Halloween to get through before it’s Halloween again.

How many times can you say Halloween in one sentence?

Anyway, you will just have to wait until next year for more, so sit back, relax, and don’t eat all your Halloween candy at once, because this guy did and, well, look what happened to him.

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Filed under Advice, Entertainment, Lists, Uncategorized