Monthly Archives: February 2012

RE: living vicariously through the A-listers of the world

A year ago, I wrote about the Oscars and how ridiculous it is that our society lives and breathes for such trivial and pretentious displays of vanity.

Sure, I’m sitting here watching it this year just like I did last year, but it doesn’t change the fact that it’s a complete waste of time and energy (not to mention how pissed I am that it’s broadcasting instead of this week’s episode of Once Upon A Time).

If only it was real gold, I could actually pay my rent!

Award shows only affect those immediately involved. Us ‘common-folk’, those who pay to go out and see the movies and financially support the careers of all these A-listers, we who camp out overnight to get a good spot behind the red carpet barricades, have no personal connection to these expensive displays of appreciation. The shows serve their immediate purpose, as another outlet of entertainment to be absorbed and obsessed over by anyone not actually involved, but especially in terms of shows such as the Oscars, in which winners are determined by the Academy and not the fans, there seems to be no practical reason for nationally broadcasting such an event. I’d rather be watching the movie you starred in then watching you flub up your acceptance speech.

Now don’t get me wrong. Most of these people are extremely talented people who have dedicated their lives to their careers. They deserve recognition and praise. But it’s hard to justify such outrageous shows of ostentation.

Billy Crystal put it perfectly when he introduced the show, reminding all of us viewers at home to, with the current economic state, and the fact that most of us are struggling to make ends meet, please sit back and enjoy watching a bunch of millionaires accept statues made out of gold. You could probably hawk an Oscar and feed a whole third-world country.

The best part? Tomorrow we will all go back to our normal lives like nothing happened. Because, in our own sad, sorry little mediocre lives (at least, sad, sorry and mediocre compared to the fabulous lives of the rich and famous), nothing did happen.

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Filed under Cynicism, Entertainment, humanity, Humor, Movies, obsessions, Opinion, Oscars, Society

Why my family is cooler than yours

Ready for a back roll.

My dad could build Rome in a day. My dad is the epitome of unreal. The man has been building homes by himself since before I was born. Yesterday I sat on the couch with my breakfast and watched the crew of eight guys (who were surprisingly not Mexican, stereotype I know, but true nonetheless) working on re-roofing the building next door. These guys have been working over a week and still haven’t finished. My dad would probably rock that by himself in a day. Not to mention he’s opening a dive shop = all the free diving I want. Score.

World's best mom & future grammy-winning sister. And me. Meh.

My mom is truly my best friend. I know parents would kill to buddy up and be friends with their kids and know everything that’s going on in their lives (especially when they’re teenagers), but my mom is actually one of my best friends. And not because I feel like I have to be friends with her. My mom and I have some of the best times together. We joke about stupid people and laugh at absolutely nothing and it is awesome.

My sister could be the next Carrie Underwood. That girl’s got a voice on her that could blow the speakers off a supped-up Caddie just from sheer power. She could very well move to Nashville tomorrow and land a record deal, but for now she’s content playing gigs at local bars, being a school teacher and enjoying married life (and hopefully making me an aunt soon).

Rockin' the ink gun.

My brother is an international rock star. Featured in some of the top tattoo magazines (such as Britain’s number one tattoo mag, Skin Deep) and known by name in town and throughout the surrounding area, my brother is quite possibly the coolest guy you’ll never meet (unless you stalk him out at one of the many conventions he frequents throughout the year, which I highly recommend). I don’t get to see him nearly enough, but when I do, it’s always a blast. Not to mention it’s pretty awesome bragging about him when people ask me about my own tattoos.

One of my crazy aunts and one of my awesome cousins

My relatives have a sense of humor that is unmatched. My aunts, uncles, cousins and second-cousins- there are a few, and they rock- are all obviously cut from the same mold (surprisingly, my mom’s side and my dad’s side are both equally hilarious). When we have family reunions, there are so many things happening at once sometimes I get dizzy just trying to keep up. Not to mention that I can’t breathe right for days afterwards thanks to all the laughing I’ve done.

European hairdryer. The usual.

Pretty much everything about my family makes them the coolest family alive. Everyone brings something fun and unique to the table, and they all have the kind of personalities that just make them super-cool and lucky to be who they are.

Oh yeah, and they all get to be related to me.

Enough said.

🙂

 

What makes your family awesome?

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Filed under Entertainment, family fun, humanity, Humor, Lists, Opinion, Society

Why Valentine’s Day is a pointless holiday

Valentine’s Day is stupid.

Out of all the silly holidays and pointless days of celebration we have in our society, this is probably the worst.

If you’re currently single and reading this, you are probably nodding your head in agreement and thanking whatever god you believe in that this isn’t another sappy love post about how Valentine’s Day is so great and I am so lucky to be with the love of my life (which I am, but that’s besides the point).

If you’re a fellow lovebird, you’re probably wondering why someone so head-over-heels in love is being so cynical on such a lovey-dovey holiday.

I like holidays and I like having a reason to get dressed up and feel especially giddy, but I don’t feel the need to participate in such a joke. First of all:

No one needs a reminder that they’re alone. If you don’t have a significant other to celebrate this cheesy holiday with, you certainly shouldn’t have to be reminded of just how lonely you are. Google suicide rates on Valentine’s Day and get back to me.

If you love someone, you shouldn’t need a holiday to express it. Love is love no matter what day of the year it is. I’m crazy about my boyfriend every day, I have been since the beginning. And that’s not me being overdramatic and annoying, it’s just the facts. I love my boyfriend, and I tell him frequently. I don’t love him and remind him of my feelings just because it’s Valentine’s Day and society tells me I should. Sure, I’d like to go out to dinner and have a nice night together just like the next girl, but I don’t need chocolates and jewelry and flowers today any more than I do on any other random day of the week- unless he’s proposing. Then it’s a completely different story.

There are no clear origins. Where did this silly holiday even come from? Sure, there was a Saint Valentine, but he had nothing to do with the holiday. It’s just a stupid excuse of a holiday that Hallmark created to sell greeting cards and chocolate.

I’m mostly turned off by how crazy people get over this holiday, both for and against it. It hardly ranks among even the lowest of the low (like Memorial Day and Flag Day), so it hardly seems deserving of such attention.

 

In reality, though, I’m just bitter because Hallmark insists on relocating any prospective employee to the Midwest (namely, Kansas). There go my dreams of designing greeting cards. Unless I can get my boyfriend to move to Kansas.

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Filed under community, Consumerism, Cynicism, Entertainment, Holidays, humanity, Humor, Lists, obsessions, Opinion, sex, shopping, Society, Valentine's Day

Why men have it better

Men suck.

I say this out loud with all the love in my heart, as my boyfriend is sitting five feet away and hoping I’ll marry him someday, but generally speaking, I hate him for having it better than me. Men in general have it better than us ladies, and it hardly seems fair at times. Sure, women have their sexuality and can use it to their advantage, but who gives a crap? I rarely use it to my advantage- I have morals and stuff like that- and mostly just don’t want to have to deal with all the crap women have to deal with and men don’t.

And this isn’t me going off on a feminist rant, I just truly wish I was a dude sometimes so I could bypass all the female nonsense and just get away with having it easier. Not saying I don’t enjoy being a woman- ladies, don’t get your panties in a bunch. And men, don’t try and argue that you don’t have it better, either. Because you do. And I can prove it. Why do I think men have it better?

They can pee wherever they want. Unlike women, who have to squat and all that (and we know what a messy situation that can be), men can just whip it out wherever they want and let it out whenever they need to.

They can go topless. Sure, there’s that whole equal rights movement going on in New York where women can go out in public without a shirt on, but people are still staring. There’s never that kind of staring at topless men (the closest second would be insanely good-looking male model-types whose bare chests automatically elicit drooling and ogling from any woman with a pulse within a 100-foot radius).

They don’t have to shave as much. Aside from the occasional face shave (and some men don’t even do that much), guys don’t have to worry about shaving anything. Us women on the other hand… let’s just say we waste a lot of time in the shower shaving certain body parts.

There isn’t as much pressure to be thin and flawless. Men can have bad skin. Men can have a gut or a bit of a muffin top (god I hate that term) and not receive as much criticism from the opposite sex. In fact, some women like their men a little bigger. But in general, society puts the bigger emphasis on women being tiny and perfect, when in reality, perfection just doesn’t exist. And quite frankly, I’m tired of it. I blame the media.

Hilarious. But so not fair.

They don’t have that time of month. Do you realize how unfair that is? Not to mention all the money they save on tampons and pads. And then of course there’s the whole childbearing thing. Don’t get me started. Jerks.

Big feet is actually a good thing. Unlike women- namely me, with my size 10.5/11 shoe- the bigger the shoe, the more respect. In fact,  the rare man with small feet is the one ridiculed.

They just generally get away with more. That whole double-standard thing- as much as we try and say it doesn’t exist in society, it does- plays in their favor 100 percent. Again, jerks.

Overall, I wouldn’t want to be a man. They are hairy and gross and they smell and they’re just not as pretty and delicate as ladies. I might get annoyed with certain things they do better or have better, but unlike them, I get to play dress up everyday and I wouldn’t change that for anything.

 

Although I still wish I could easily pee anywhere I wanted.

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What I would do if I won the lottery

It seems pretty unlikely that the common person would win the lottery. Most people joke about what they’d do if they won the lottery, believing they will never really win. But we’ve seen plenty of instances in which normal, everyday people win; after all, someone has to win the jackpot. I’ll never win the lottery because I don’t play. But maybe one day I will, and maybe it will be that one day that I’ll actually win. Highly unlikely, but let’s say I did. I’ve given some thought as to how I would spend the millions, and if I ever do win you can bet your ass I’ll be checking each thing of this list:

Buy my own country. And only let the uncool kids in.

Save all the animals in shelters. I’d buy a huge house- maybe even an old hotel or something- and turn it into my own animal shelter, one that doesn’t require the use of euthanasia to make room for new residents. And if no one ever adopted any of them, I’d just keep them all.

Buy my way into the government. And then take over and change all the things that are wrong with the system.

Buy a haunted castle. It’s my lifelong dream.

Feed the homeless for life. Or better yet, just find a solution to homelessness. Perfect.

Pay my family’s bills for life. I would do anything to make life easier for ma familia.

Pursue acting. Without financial worries, I would actually pursue my dream of making it in Hollywood. That way, if I don’t fall within the 5 percent margin of those who make it, I can come back home and go back to doing nothing. Er, or something like that.

Pay for the cure for cancer. They have one, they just won’t reveal it (Big Pharma cares more about their money than human life; it’s all part of my conspiracy theory).

Save the environment. Unfortunately money=power, but if you use it in a positive way, it becomes a good thing.

Stock up on an endless supply of Red Bull. It’s my crack.

Travel the world. And visit the places I haven’t seen yet (and maybe revisit some of the ones I already have- see: Egypt).

In all likelihood, I would probably just pay off my bills and save the rest of it, continuing to live the same lifestyle I do today. The problem with people and one-time inheritances is that they spend it all and are left with nothing (or less than nothing). I’d probably just put it in the bank and focus on my hobbies as a means of happiness instead of income. What would you spend it on?

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