My new year’s resolutions (and more unlikely things I’ll probably never do)

New year's a few years ago. (Not drunk, I swear. I think I was 18 or 19.)

It’s time to bid farewell to 2011. With less than 48 hours ’til the new year, now is the time to look back on the year and appreciate everything it was, both the good and the bad. It’s also time to crank out those silly new year’s resolutions that everyone makes every year but hardly ever sticks to. It’s kind of ridiculous that we feel we can only make these resolutions and changes at the start of a new year- if you want to change something in your life, just do it, you don’t need to wait for a new calendar year- but we make them nonetheless. In no particular order, here are some of my (unlikely) resolutions:

Be less sarcastic. I’m totally capable of that (insert sarcasm here).

Use more sunscreen. It’s hard when you want that perfect Florida glow.

Stop cursing. There was a brief stint where I actually accomplished this. Of course, I was working at a summer camp and was surrounded by 8- and 9-year-olds on a daily basis, so it made it a lot harder to curse (I used phrases like “that stinks” and “aw, man”). But it simply just comes out. I need something to entice me not to do it; maybe I can have Chuck Norris jump out and punch me every time I let one slip.

Watch less TV. It’s less that I watch it and more that I have it on for background noise. (Riiiiiight.)

Stop drinking Red Bull. If it’s so bad for you, why do they make it taste so good?

Eat less chocolate, cookies, candy, etc. I’m a chocoholic. There is no cure. The end.

Go to the dentist. I brush my teeth pretty regularly. Who needs to spend money to have someone else do it? Although I do like when they use that scraper thing on your teeth…

Get up earlier. Who would want to do that anyway?


If by now I’ve severely depressed you or made you lose faith in my ability to have self-control or to change, never fear. I do have changes I plan to implement immediately in the new year, and (hopefully) stick to for more than just 2012. Hope you all have something positive to look forward to in the new year! And if you’re going to make resolutions, avoid being lame and stick to them. 🙂



Filed under Cynicism, Entertainment, Holidays, humanity, Humor, Lists, Society

10 responses to “My new year’s resolutions (and more unlikely things I’ll probably never do)

  1. Did being around all of those kids make you want to curse? I don’t know what to say to children. All they talk about is Pokemon and candy canes.

  2. hello100blog

    Reblogged this on Hello100blog.

  3. Funny. I share your goal of using less bad language!

  4. Felix

    As a fellow chocoholic, I wish you the best of luck trying to wean off all-things candy-coated and delicious! 🙂 Be wary of enablers, people who like frozen Kit Kats and stuff like that.

  5. I toned down the cursing when I had children. The last one left for college last August and my potty mouth erupted like a long dormant volcano waiting to spew.

    • I would definitely do that (although I hope to tone it down before I have kids). I’m completely disgusted by parents who curse in front of their children- and I’m talking elementary school age. It’s not attractive.

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