What I want for Christmas (and other unlikely things that will never come to pass)

Every year, friends and family ask me what I want for Christmas, and I never really have a good answer. More often than not (especially now, in my current state of holiday grinchy-ness) I convince people not to buy me anything, mainly to avoid the sheer uncomfortable nature of the whole gift-giving tradition. But every year, millions of kids around the world write well-thought-out (albeit highly grammatically incorrect) letters to Santa, describing their biggest dreams and ultimate desires, trying to convince him that they’ve been extra special good and deserving and could he please make sure to bring everything they ask for. So I’ve decided it’s time to write the fat man himself and get him to straighten out a thing or two in my world.



Dear Santa.

Look at that face. That's the face of someone on the nice list.

I know you are real, even though as a small child (and by small child I mean probably 11 or 12 years old) my parents- effectively ruining my life and crushing my hopes and dreams- told me that you did not exist. Even though there was a boot print in the fireplace that one year. And the cookies were always gone. Although, the milk was still there, I don’t know what that’s about. Anyway, here’s my Christmas list. I think I deserve everything on it because I’ve been pretty good this year. In no particular order, here’s what I want for Christmas:

A British accent.  But not a fake one. I have an impeccable British accent, but it’s fake. I want to be British and have a real British accent. Then I can move back to London and not feel creepy talking to people with my British accent.

The ability to talk to animals. Like Eliza Thornberry. But better looking.

World peace.

A new government. Because ours sucks. The end.

Jesse Lacey.

To find Atlantis.

The end of homelessness.

My dead dog Ninja. Because she was my best friend. And she’s better than your dog.

A haunted castle. Because I’m creepy and I want to meet a ghost. Plus who wouldn’t want a castle?

To meet aliens.

To dive the Titanic.

A penguin.

Self-driving cars. Because sometimes I’m just too lazy to drive.

My own country.

Smaller feet. 

The end of animal cruelty. Because I like animals better than people.

A submarine.


Tim Burton’s brain. Because he’s an artistic genius.

Halloween year-round.


your biggest fan/admirer/advocate/supporter/enthusiast/believer/any other noun that will sway you to concession,



P.S. If you don’t bring me everything I ask for, I will have no other choice but to poison you with sour milk and raw cookies next year.



Filed under Christmas, community, Consumerism, Cynicism, Entertainment, family fun, Holidays, Society

20 responses to “What I want for Christmas (and other unlikely things that will never come to pass)

  1. I want a British accent, too!

    Just out of curiosity, would you be keeping Tim Burton’s brain in a jar?

  2. prosewithabbitude

    Just go to Best Buy since they are “one upping” Santa and destroying chdhood dreams this year!

  3. Your list for Christmas is wonderful. I hope santa is going to read this one. 🙂 I am also looking forward to that self driven car. 🙂

  4. I really had a good time reading your list! Let’s see if Santa shows up on Christmas eve! :p

  5. If I were Santa, I need not look at the list to grant your wishes. The picture should suffice.

  6. You have a fantastic list! (A little harsh with what you’ll do if you don’t get what you want but nothing a few hours with a good therapist can fix.) Hope you get everything you asked for. 🙂

  7. Laura Bodwell

    Splendid my dear!!

  8. I could almost duplicate your list and be happy. Let me know if you get the haunted castle. Great post!!

  9. Hi Julia,
    Julia was my Mothers name, but I will never think of you in that way. Thank you for following my poetry work. Your writing and your pictures bring warmth and laughter to my life. Thank You.

  10. My xmas list:
    No more obama or gop (jon bayner sucks)
    A better economy
    my own island
    climate control
    a forecasting cat
    and… to hike the tallest peaks in the six states of new england and lots of other states too.

  11. Pingback: 12 last-minute Christmas gift ideas (that are sure to “wow” them) | mindoverMadness

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